Weight: 218 lbs. Goal:Total Change. BE the person I used to be.
Well, here goes. My marriage is a shambles, my health is ruined and I am in so much agony that I don't know what to do. As of today's date I haven't slept a complete night's sleep in about 12 years, I often go for days without sleeping at all. It feels as if my pelvic bones and lower back are being pulled apart every time I sit. I don't know what's going on. I used to be so active...what the hell is happening?
Well, here goes. My marriage is a shambles, my health is ruined and I am in so much agony that I don't know what to do. As of today's date I haven't slept a complete night's sleep in about 12 years, I often go for days without sleeping at all. It feels as if my pelvic bones and lower back are being pulled apart every time I sit. I don't know what's going on. I used to be so active...what the hell is happening?
My husband just hit me with "I want you the way you used to be!". The person I thought was my best friend for 19 years has been betraying me. The person who told me that "age meant nothing" because he loved me (I'm 3 years older than him) has just let me know that my life holds no value for him because 'you're too sick, fat and old for my brain to be attracted to, so you are replaceable'. "The way I used to be..." meant the way I looked.
I just came back from the doctor. My adrenal system has become worn out from stress, I have a fibroid tumor the size of my uterus that has been impacting my bladder and intestines, and a 2 cm. polyp that has been holding open my cervix for at least 10 years, constantly flooding my body with labor hormones (LABOR NOT PREGNANCY HORMONES) the entire time. The nesting, lack of sleep, weight gain, pain and hemorrhaging, all of it tied to this covert betrayal. I never knew, but my body did! It really does happen, that if I am clear in my desires and intention, than what I need will come to me. But it MUST come from perfect clarity, or it's just a self-deception and manipulation that will only lead to self-sabotage. Your Body Believes Every Word You Say: The Language of the Bodymind Connection by Barbara Levine spells out exactly what my body has been trying to tell me.
I'm all but dead at this point. My skin is grey, my blood volume is down, my hair has been falling out for years over this. But all physical is just a manifestation of the mental and spiritual. Nothing happens without a reason. Body follows thought, thought follows feeling, feeling follows experience.
I'm making no excuses for the life that has coalesced over the past 19 years. I simply didn't know what was going on behind my back (or in my middle for that matter). I was fighting a losing battle that I didn't even know was going on. I can't change what I'm not aware of.
My job from this point forward is to be responsible and respectful of my life, body and all of the tiniest things that send me messages everyday. Diligently. No more room for complacency. EVER AGAIN. That which cannot keep up with my authentic self gets left behind!
I used to be active, adventurous, fearless in my quest for leaving a better me behind at the end of this life than the little person that entered it. He wants me the way I used to be? PAL, YOU GOT IT!
I just came back from the doctor. My adrenal system has become worn out from stress, I have a fibroid tumor the size of my uterus that has been impacting my bladder and intestines, and a 2 cm. polyp that has been holding open my cervix for at least 10 years, constantly flooding my body with labor hormones (LABOR NOT PREGNANCY HORMONES) the entire time. The nesting, lack of sleep, weight gain, pain and hemorrhaging, all of it tied to this covert betrayal. I never knew, but my body did! It really does happen, that if I am clear in my desires and intention, than what I need will come to me. But it MUST come from perfect clarity, or it's just a self-deception and manipulation that will only lead to self-sabotage. Your Body Believes Every Word You Say: The Language of the Bodymind Connection by Barbara Levine spells out exactly what my body has been trying to tell me.
I'm all but dead at this point. My skin is grey, my blood volume is down, my hair has been falling out for years over this. But all physical is just a manifestation of the mental and spiritual. Nothing happens without a reason. Body follows thought, thought follows feeling, feeling follows experience.
I'm making no excuses for the life that has coalesced over the past 19 years. I simply didn't know what was going on behind my back (or in my middle for that matter). I was fighting a losing battle that I didn't even know was going on. I can't change what I'm not aware of.
My job from this point forward is to be responsible and respectful of my life, body and all of the tiniest things that send me messages everyday. Diligently. No more room for complacency. EVER AGAIN. That which cannot keep up with my authentic self gets left behind!
I used to be active, adventurous, fearless in my quest for leaving a better me behind at the end of this life than the little person that entered it. He wants me the way I used to be? PAL, YOU GOT IT!
If you realize that all things change,
there is nothing you will try to hold onto.
If you aren't afraid of dying,
there is nothing you can't achieve.
Trying to control the future
is like trying to take the master carpenter's place.
When you handle the master's tools,
chances are that you'll cut your hand.
-Tao Te Ching